"Late September/Early Fall"

by Brian Watkins

The onset of fall always brings a nice reality check with it. In a good way, though. The transition from summer to fall is like the end of one of those movies that not everyone likes because it’s kind of sad and touching, yet desperately real; a nice respite from the bubble gum sentimentality of summer blockbusters that provided us with more air conditioning than substance. Fall is that low-budget film that you hope gets an Oscar, but deep down inside you know it won’t because Christian Bale lost sixty-five pounds to play Sammy Davis Jr. We know it won’t get it’s full due, but that’s ok. It doesn’t need it.

So late September arrives and we all put on something flannel and take a walk by ourselves through a beige passage filled with introspection and armchair philosophy, usually happier than we care to admit.

Introverts like the fall to linger because it’s a time that you don’t need an excuse for not wanting to go to the beach.

At the end of September fashions emerge that seem to say, “It’s cool to dress like an old man,” removing the lens of ageism and making geriatric trends hip again. Only in the fall can you get away with wearing unconscionable amounts of twill.

At the end of September, you’ll find Calvinists and existentialists with a greater sense of hope, because, after nine months of waiting, the world is finally back on their side. Fans of Samuel Beckett can once again say, “You see! I was right!”, and public radio listeners sigh a little louder when they hear about the old Lutheran woman down the street who passed away, displaying proof of their humanity. All this, imperfectly good.

At the end of September, our diets begin to welcome strange, starchy inventions like breads with bits of squash and weird potato casseroles. Couscous. Soup is back, and in a few more months, stew.

When winter arrives, we’ll be lucky enough to smell the coming snow, like prescient animals before a storm; a skill the likeness of which is unknown to any other season.

There is a great comfort in fall, fallen-ness, and things that once were. Each year it gives our new(er) country a shot of nostalgia, of looking back, of a greater appreciation for corduroy. It's a sort of quiet reverence for the fading of things. Autumn gives more leeway to the use of clichés (I hope), because the sentiment “It’s all been done before” outweighs newness and originality.

At the end of September, there is a universal familiarity with things that have fallen. It’s nice that we all agree to take up rakes and make piles of the big, beautiful mess, creating a way for the green of next spring.

Short: "An Artist" Directed by Dan O'Malley

A very funny and well-shot short film about an artist who is pretentiously unclear.
Writer/Director/Editor: Dan O'Malley
Artist: Phil Eastman

Hope you enjoy it.


An Artist from Phil Eastman on Vimeo.

5 Cent's a Joke

ABC Creates New Holiday: "National Stay at Home Week"

by Brian Watkins

ABC has recently announced that September 21st thru October 1st is "National Stay at Home Week." In a $250 million advertising campaign they have launched a series of billboards, commercials, print ads, and foot soldiers promoting the 10 day event. In a puzzling tongue-in-cheek-but-maybe-not-really-joking attempt to keep Americans out of harms way and in front of their televisions, the major network has begun their effort by boycotting all parks and libraries, as well as churches, synagogues, mosques, and temples and any place that is "outside the safety of your house or apartment or whatever" for an entire week.

The largest effort to ensure success in the event has been what ABC is calling their "Bully Squad"-- a play on Best Buy's "Geek Squad"-- that is set to intimidate all those who attempt to not participate. The television network plans on arranging squadrons of these "Bully Squads" in public places and on sidewalks on major residential streets. In preparation for the week that ABC is hoping becomes a new National holiday, the bullies have been trained to taunt pedestrians who are not inside their homes. "The bullies will be there basically to just kind of remind you that this is a National event and that being outside is unpatriotic," says Mike Floffer, one of ABC's marketing executives in charge of the campaign. "You might hear things from the bullies like 'Stay off the sidewalk, pussy', or if you're jogging or whatever they'll say 'You run like a girl, go back inside you girl'. Sometimes they'll just shout 'gayboy' or 'pansy' if they see someone outside their home. We also encourage them to make comments about people's outward appearances, in hopes that they might become self-conscious and stay inside, respecting this National holiday like a true American who isn't a pansy would."

The event is part of a trend of companies trying to pull of what some say Hallmark did with Mother's Day. In October, Marlboro is gearing up for what they're calling "National Second-Hand Smoking Week" shortly followed by the FOX television network's "National Try Not to Read Anything Week". The FOX network is promoting the event with the slogan: "we're just trying to be funny... but also sort of not."

Companies have steered away from November and December, claiming those months are "too packed with religious stuff and historical crap where we've already got people buying and eating enough... but we could always use more. Ha, ha, ha... yeah."

But January is wide open, they say. Pepsi-Co has initiated the first annual "National Throw a Bunch of Those Plastic Soda Rings in the Ocean Day" on January 2nd. And starting on January 21st, Exxon-Mobil will roll out its event "National Leave Your Car Running Overnight With a Cinder Block on the Gas Pedal Week". When asked if they thought the event would conflict with Martin Luther King's Birthday, celebrated on January 21st as well, a spokesman for the company said "ehhh, we're not too worried about it. Man, this is a great sandwich. Do you want a bite? Take a bite. Its pastrami."

ABC is confident that their new holiday will be embraced. "I think that we can all agree that what is outside and unkown is either just boring or scary. I mean, right?," says Floffer. "And if there's one thing that isn't boring it's TV. It's the Emmy's. It's dancing celebrities. It's watching beautiful nurses and doctors have affairs in hospitals and dreaming about being as pretty and in love as they are. Because they are much, much hotter than the average American. It's about hope. And Jesus. And I think it's about time that someone stood up and said 'You know what? Nature does suck.' Because it does. Nature... just... sucks. So why not stay at home?"

http://abc.go.com/primetime/nationalstayathomeweek/index?pn=index?partner=rm&cid=rm+NSAHW+google+National_Stay_at_Home_Week

NOTE: A TRUE fact about National Stay At Home Week is that the network is actually promoting the event as "a way to conserve gas and help the environment". What? Please share your thoughts and leave a comment.

New York Times Op-Ed Art: "Republican Convention Schedule"

We thought it'd be good to share Christopher Buckley's counterpart to the previous post on the DNC's schedule of events with his take on the RNC's schedule of events. Favorite moments include Paris Hilton's presentation on global warming entitled "That's hot!", and Theme-Day 3: "Deficits, Schmeficits". Click on the image to get a better view and tell us your thoughts.


www.nytimes.com
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2008/09/01/opinion/20080901_opart.html

New York Times Op-Ed Art: "What to Do in Denver if You're a Democrat"

This is a great satire piece from the New York Times by Charles Buckley and is worth checking out. Politicians love Ludacris... hilarious.
You can click on the image to get a better view and direct you to the original page.




Original article on nytimes.com

5 Questions From 5 Cent; Olympic Style

1. Did the victory of the Olympic men's swimming relay make you change your pants?

2. Are you upset/surprised that China pulled the ol' switcharoo and had a "more sightly" little girl lip-synch the song that was actually sung by a "less sightly" little girl, claiming that her buck teeth were not the image China wanted to send? (see the full story here)

3. Aren't buck teeth just as cute as pigtails, if not more cute?

4. My Beijing sense of direction isn't great, but didn't their used to be homes where the Water Cube is?

5. When you think about voting for the next president of the United States consider this; Can you see him sitting in the stands at the opening ceremonies in London 2012? Sporting a pitted-out Oxford? Looking bored and waving a little American flag? Because Bush did it with class.

A Liar's Life

Discerning the Authentic

by Toby Meuli

Several weeks ago I went shopping at an all-organic grocery store in an affluent part of Los Angeles. And I have to admit, while walking the aisles and looking at all this shiny, well-organized, expensive goodness; I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was shopping where important people shop. This is where I belonged, with the rich and well-educated. I bought some yogurt that was socially-conscious and full of natural vitamins—just like me. It tasted fantastic.

Then a few days ago I need some toilet paper. Knowing the aforementioned grocery store was too far away considering the immediacy of my situation, I hustled to the 99 Cent Only store a block from my apartment. I had never been in a “99” (as I later heard it called by a customer) but frequently drive past wondering how any store charges only 99 cents for every item. I was about to discover something confusing and glorious.

Here is the play by play of the next ten minutes…

-I was greeted in the parking lot by a couple of panhandlers and a mechanical horse ride for a penny. I was instinctively drawn to this 1987 relic of my childhood but was discouraged by the line.

-Inside the store there was a loose system of organizational shelving and contrary to my doubts, everything really was only 99 cents. I checked every item I picked up. Some were 2 for 99.

-I looked for fancy displays or a club card system among the white lighting, but came up short. Just brightly colored, mostly generic, stuff. No tabloid magazines either.

-I passed a mother of two young kids who were wrestling as their mom compared items, several guys who I’m pretty sure were homeless, a business woman talking on her Blackberry, a bunch of giggling high schoolers, an elderly couple, an actress who I think is on a TV show, and a very tired-looking man in a mechanic’s uniform.

-I was tempted to buy the following items: (Partly because they were cheap, partly because I felt like I won a prize when I uncovered them) A Justice League calendar, a huge watermelon, a Virginia Tech hat, a 3 liter bottle of soda, a pack of light bulbs, some fresh broccoli, a forearm strengthener, a Bible, socks, a pregnancy test, a box of Wheat Crisp crackers, a Men In Black DVD and a bag of pistachios.

-I did buy: A box of cereal, a bottle of wine, a hands free device for my cell phone, some typing paper, a reading light, 12 nutritional bars (2 for 1 special) and a 6 pack of toilet paper.

-The cashier was very courteous and I wondered what the employment benefits were like. Does she get commission bonuses? How about a 401K? Dental plan? My thoughts were interrupted when, through a toothy half-smile, she asked me for my ID before scanning the wine. Perhaps partly to make sure I was over 21 and partly to make sure I really wanted to purchase a bottle of wine for less than a dollar. I am. And I did.

-As I made my way out, one of the other cashiers was having difficulty with a homeless man who wanted to buy a Gatorade and was 13 cents short. I gave the cashier a quarter and strolled out. The homeless man said thanks.

While unpacking my bag of goodies back at my apartment I couldn’t help but think how strangely real the whole experience was. Despite that store having been around for over 7 years, the 99 felt new. It seemed oddly fresh, even good. The organic grocery store seemed a bit contrived compared to the 99. I’m all for organic socially-conscious goods, but how much of my money is paying for the yogurt I like and how much is paying for an uppity shopping experience? How much of my $4.79 is helping me say something about my person to the world? This yogurts says, “I’m smart and care about the farmers in Uganda.” Or wherever—I didn’t even check. I mean, even if one goes to Wal-Mart one is still saying to the world, “I may or may not have money but I love bulk items and rock bottom prices.” At least that’s what I want to say. Going to the 99 cent store says to the world, “I need stuff. This place has it.” And the best thing is that I don’t think the shoppers at the 99 give a damn what they are saying to the world. Or how they feel when they are in the store. They are just trying to buy stuff without spending too much and get on with more important things in their lives.

So I’m going back to the 99. After all, I can count on some interesting people, dependable prices and hopefully a bit of the authentic. And I just ran out of window cleaner today. I do not however recommend the wine.

"The NFL Has Me by the Broncos"

by Brian Watkins

I’ve found recently that many of my decisions are influenced by the National Football League. Things like how to plan my day, how to spend money, and what to be passionate about are variables in part of a series of strings that Roger Goodell yanks and guides like some sort of evil marionettist in the ivory tower of NFL headquarters in New York.

Each year, with the onset of training camp, there’s something inside me that results back to some sort of adolescent abandon; a reckless sense of juvenilia in the excitement of the new football season. And this only exists for the NFL. Although I’ll watch it and follow it, I am not a college football fanatic in the purist sense. In truth, the NFL has conditioned me with their branding and marketing. Like some sort of Disney-infected, sugar-hyped ten year-old girl screaming at a Jonas Brothers concert, the excitement at the start of the NFL season is my drug of choice come this time of year. I am the victim-equivalent of what hippie parents hate Michael Eisner for… except with football.

When the regular season rolls around John Madden, Rich Eisen, Joe Buck and Jim Nantz will wield my Sunday will: who is playing, what games will I be able to see, if I can’t see a game where can I see it. My financial decisions will have repercussions for months: Should I get this cable package or should I watch games at restaurants and bars? If I watch at restaurants and bars is there a greater cost there than if I were to get cable? Can I somehow afford to travel with the team by private jet or osmosis or some sort of Quantum Leap situation?

I am a Coloradan (or “Coloradoan” depending who you talk to), and hence, a Broncos fan (a team whose training camp started yesterday). Awaiting this day for weeks, I followed the team and players like a gossip magazine covers Britney Spears; watching all the ESPN clips and interviews, reading all the blogs, keeping track of Jay Cutler’s progress with diabetes and Brandon Marshall’s run-ins with the law. I got angry (sort of) when Marshall got a little too tired yesterday at practice. A surge of adrenaline shot through me when it was reported that “Cutler’s rifle-arm is back.” I celebrated when Ryan Clady signed a five-year deal with $11 million in guarantees… at age 21. I am a user, and fantasy football might be considered an enabler.

The problem I run into here is that I can very easily justify all this. At the heart of this consumer-cancer is something good. Something rarely found in the increasing autonomy of our culture. The “good” is that millions of fans across the nation are dealing with this exact same excited addiction… the communal will of a city all at once turning from “me” to “we” for three hours on our day of rest. That’s good.

The unanswerable question I have to ask here is if this optimism is just a healthy bi-product of all the market conditioning; a tactic in place to keep me hooked. Or, underneath the slime, has the “good” somehow truly survived? Is this question even worth asking or attempting to answer? Is it just “the system I belong to?” And, even if accompanied by a bit of rotten capitalism and a little market conditioning is this “good” not worth salvaging?

(This all may be a little too cerebral for what some would call “just a game,” but we spend hours of our lives devoted to it… I think it deserves some thought.)

If the good underneath the slime has survived it is only by the will of millions of junkies like myself, hooked up to the NFL’s corner hustle, desperately rooting for something bigger than themselves. As long as that keeps going, I think I will too… anxiously awaiting the Broncos to beat the shit out of the Raiders.

Links:

http://myespn.go.com/blogs/afcwest

http://blog.denverbroncos.com/denverbroncos

http://blogs.denverpost.com/broncos/

Fleet Foxes' "White Winter Hymnal" Music Video by Sean Pecknold

Incredibly well done new music video by Sean Pecknold for Fleet Foxes' "White Winter Hymnal". As always, Pecknold beautifully uses claymation and mind-bending images that seem like distant recollections, reviving the ancient corners of our memories. Quite fitting when paired with the music of Fleet Foxes, the new(er) Seattle band that boasts the same type of long-forgotten folkiness with pitch-perfect harmonies and a tribal quality that makes you feel strangely rooted... or something like that. All that to say: Fleet Foxes= great music. Have a listen/looksee and tell us what you think.


White Winter Hymnal from Grandchildren on Vimeo.

You can see more of Sean Pecknold's work at www.bygrandchildren.com
You can hear more of Fleet Foxes music at www.myspace.com/fleetfoxes

Fleet Foxes new album, tour dates, and bio found here.