"Christian Fit Club"

by Brian Watkins

I was recently at a retreat where a very famous Christian author was speaking. He recommended doing some spiritual exercises as a way to release into the love that God has for us.

Exercise #1: Contemplative Prayer

Explanation: Recite the saying “Abba, I belong to you”, inhaling on “Abba”, exhaling on “I belong to you”.

Purpose: The seven-syllable phrase synchronizes with the palpitations of the human heart beat, therein spiritually and physically changing the head to the heart and visa versa. God will work in and through this prayer.

My thoughts during first attempts of exercise 1- “Contemplative Prayer”

-“Abba, I bel—I just choked on my spit. Let’s try this again. Abba, I belong toooo… (Beat.) Sorry, I ran out of breath right there. One more time: Abba… Abba means father right? Is that right? Father? Or is it child? No, it couldn’t be child. I’m pretty sure it’s father.”

-“Ok God. I’m here. Let’s synchronize… I’m ready… ARE YOU READY MAN!? I AM PUMPED UP! LET’S DO THIS! ALRIGHT! (Beat.) I think my mouth just made a weird sound there. God? Did you hear my mouth make a weird sound there? That person just looked at me like I made a weird sound out of my mouth while I was getting pumped up spiritually in my head. But I really did feel spiritually excited there. I’m really, yeah, that was cool, except for when my mouth made a farting sound.”

- “Ok, this is kinda working. I really like this. God? You’re here right? Abba, I belong to you. Abba, I belong to you. Abba, I belong to you. Abba, I belong to you. I wonder if I could fall asleep doing this. I bet I could. Let’s try. Abba, I belong to you. Abba, I belong to you. Abba, I belong to you. Abba—ok, maybe I shouldn’t fall asleep because I think a little bit of drool just came out.”

Exercise #2: Conversation With God

Explanation: Sit in front of an empty chair and talk to God as if he is there.

Purpose: If you truly believe in God and in prayer then surely it’s not unreasonable to embody Him in your life, to actually attempt to speak with Him as opposed to at Him (as we often tend to do). And besides, what harm could it do? If God can make the mountains surely He can sit in a chair. Lilies of the field and all that.

Thoughts during first attempts at exercise 2- “Conversation with God”

-“I agree with everything this guy just said but nothing in practice. Dammit. Talking with God in a chair? Seriously? Alright alright. Just let go. Just-let-go. You’re gonna feel like a Ken Kesey character for a couple minutes, but you just gotta do it. He’s right, if you really do believe that God is utterly incomprehensible and loves us more than we can imagine, what harm is there in talking to a chair that we have placed God in? Give it a shot… here we go. Hi. (Long pause.) You are a piece of wood and I look like an insane person.”

-“God… listen… I’m not really good at this envisioning thing. I’m not really one of those people that scream and chant during worship like those other snake-handlers you got at this church. For God’s sake I grew up Presbyterian! I can’t really see you being in this chair. I guess I really have a hard time believing. I guess that’s sad. I guess I don’t know shit. I guess that means I should have no problem speaking to an inanimate object. I guess that means I’m a little narcissistic. I guess I’m a mess. I guess that means that at this moment my hope has either wilted a little or blossomed a little. I guess that-- either way-- hope is a good thing. I guess that hope is a thing. I guess. I hope. I’m talking to a chair.”

Exercise #3: Laying On God’s Lap

Explanation: Pray and envision that Christ is sitting in a chair in front of you. Get down on your knees and surrender to Him by laying your head in His lap and allowing his grace to flood over you in protection and love.

Purpose: God will keep you and love you more than you can ever imagine. Let Him.

Thoughts during first attempts at exercise 3- “Laying on Christ’s Lap”

-“Ok, wait a second, is he saying all this metaphorically or literally? Does he actually want us to get down on our knees and lay our heads on our seats as if Christ’s lap is right there? Or is he just saying this in the general sense, to do this in the mind’s eye of our spiritual lives? This must be what a 1^st century Gentile felt like.”

-“Ok, I just opened my eyes for a second and the guy at the end of the row was totally on his knees with his head in the proverbial lap of Jesus Christ. Wait, there are others. People are literally doing this. What?!?! Wait… What?!?!? I’m confused.

-“We’re still praying right? We’re all still praying… is the speaker praying still? Is he addressing God or us? Can I open my eyes real quick to see? Is that illegal? Ok I’m gonna open my eyes. So here’s the deal, the speaker’s eyes are open but he’s got his hands raised as if he’s talking to God. What does that mean?! Does anyone else have their eyes open?

-“Ya know, I kind of can’t get the image of Christ being a dude out of my head, and being a dude myself I feel kinda weird putting my head on the lap of another dude. I don’t mean to sound homophobic or anything, I mean, I’m not. And I know its Christ, the Son of God and all, but for some reason I just can’t get past this dude thing. I don’t know if I could ever put my head on the lap of another man and be completely comfortable. I mean, honestly, I just couldn’t do it. How could you relax? You couldn’t relax. You got the Savior of Man staring down at you. How could you handle that? What if he got uncomfortable and wanted to move or shift around? I mean, what about His needs? That’s not fair to Him. What if His leg falls asleep or something and He needs to move it? ‘Excuse me, I mean, I know I only died for the sins of all mankind, but do you mind if I move my leg around a little?’ I mean, have you ever had someone lay their head on your lap? It’s not that comfortable. Five minutes, tops, before you have to shift or move or stand up or something.”

-“I’m kinda hungry.”

-“Sex.”

-“This person next to me just made a sound and I’m not sure if it was with his mouth or his shoe.”

-“God help me release. Help me listen. Me. Why is it always about me? I’m tired of guilt. I’m tired of shame. I belong to you. No need for them any more. I belong to you. No need for anything else. I belong to you. The word ‘belong’ sounds funny if you say it a lot.”

- “I wonder who is winning the Broncos game.”

- “God. Please let the Broncos make it to the playoffs this year. Hey… would you look at that. (Beat.) That might be the first unselfish thought I’ve had all day. Let’s try and end it on a high note. Amen.”