5 Cent's a Joke

ABC Creates New Holiday: "National Stay at Home Week"

by Brian Watkins

ABC has recently announced that September 21st thru October 1st is "National Stay at Home Week." In a $250 million advertising campaign they have launched a series of billboards, commercials, print ads, and foot soldiers promoting the 10 day event. In a puzzling tongue-in-cheek-but-maybe-not-really-joking attempt to keep Americans out of harms way and in front of their televisions, the major network has begun their effort by boycotting all parks and libraries, as well as churches, synagogues, mosques, and temples and any place that is "outside the safety of your house or apartment or whatever" for an entire week.

The largest effort to ensure success in the event has been what ABC is calling their "Bully Squad"-- a play on Best Buy's "Geek Squad"-- that is set to intimidate all those who attempt to not participate. The television network plans on arranging squadrons of these "Bully Squads" in public places and on sidewalks on major residential streets. In preparation for the week that ABC is hoping becomes a new National holiday, the bullies have been trained to taunt pedestrians who are not inside their homes. "The bullies will be there basically to just kind of remind you that this is a National event and that being outside is unpatriotic," says Mike Floffer, one of ABC's marketing executives in charge of the campaign. "You might hear things from the bullies like 'Stay off the sidewalk, pussy', or if you're jogging or whatever they'll say 'You run like a girl, go back inside you girl'. Sometimes they'll just shout 'gayboy' or 'pansy' if they see someone outside their home. We also encourage them to make comments about people's outward appearances, in hopes that they might become self-conscious and stay inside, respecting this National holiday like a true American who isn't a pansy would."

The event is part of a trend of companies trying to pull of what some say Hallmark did with Mother's Day. In October, Marlboro is gearing up for what they're calling "National Second-Hand Smoking Week" shortly followed by the FOX television network's "National Try Not to Read Anything Week". The FOX network is promoting the event with the slogan: "we're just trying to be funny... but also sort of not."

Companies have steered away from November and December, claiming those months are "too packed with religious stuff and historical crap where we've already got people buying and eating enough... but we could always use more. Ha, ha, ha... yeah."

But January is wide open, they say. Pepsi-Co has initiated the first annual "National Throw a Bunch of Those Plastic Soda Rings in the Ocean Day" on January 2nd. And starting on January 21st, Exxon-Mobil will roll out its event "National Leave Your Car Running Overnight With a Cinder Block on the Gas Pedal Week". When asked if they thought the event would conflict with Martin Luther King's Birthday, celebrated on January 21st as well, a spokesman for the company said "ehhh, we're not too worried about it. Man, this is a great sandwich. Do you want a bite? Take a bite. Its pastrami."

ABC is confident that their new holiday will be embraced. "I think that we can all agree that what is outside and unkown is either just boring or scary. I mean, right?," says Floffer. "And if there's one thing that isn't boring it's TV. It's the Emmy's. It's dancing celebrities. It's watching beautiful nurses and doctors have affairs in hospitals and dreaming about being as pretty and in love as they are. Because they are much, much hotter than the average American. It's about hope. And Jesus. And I think it's about time that someone stood up and said 'You know what? Nature does suck.' Because it does. Nature... just... sucks. So why not stay at home?"

http://abc.go.com/primetime/nationalstayathomeweek/index?pn=index?partner=rm&cid=rm+NSAHW+google+National_Stay_at_Home_Week

NOTE: A TRUE fact about National Stay At Home Week is that the network is actually promoting the event as "a way to conserve gas and help the environment". What? Please share your thoughts and leave a comment.